Most of us are familiar with the French version of the "Frog Prince" story. In this iteration, at the end of the tale, the princess kisses the frog and he turns into a prince. The lesser known version is the German one. It holds a much different account of what the princess must learn to do in order to find her prince. I find it much more compelling and psychologically dynamic. I often share it with my clients who need to learn to say "no".
It goes like this...
A princess is leaning over a pond, looking at her reflection when her earring slips and tumbles down into the deep water. Try as she may, she cannot retrieve it. Suddenly a frog appears and tells her that he can retrieve it for her if she will let him eat at the royal banquet table and sleep in her bed for one night. This being her beloved earring she readily agrees. The frog dives into the water and soon reappears with her earring. The princess thanks him and skips home to her palace while thinking nothing of their agreement.
At dinner there is a knock on the door of the banquet room. A servant soon tells the king that a frog is there who says that the princess had promised him a seat at the table and nights sleep in her bed for retrieving her earring. The king asks his daughter if this is true and she sheepishly nods that yes, it is. The king says that she should keep her promises and brings a chair to the table for the frog. This disgusts the princess as she has to sit next to this slimy, slurping creature during dinner. She finishes her meal quickly and retires to her chambers to read and ready herself for bed.
Soon there is a knock at her door. She knows it's the frog again and she tells him to go away. "I'm not sleeping in the bed with a slimy frog!" The frog knocks again. The princess ignores the persistent knocking until her fathers voice joins in. "Darling, we honor our promises in this family. If you promised the frog that he can sleep in your bed tonight as a reward for retrieving your earring then that's what you must do." "Fine!" she says and opens the door.
The frog enters and the princess closes the door behind him so the king cannot hear her whisper, "You can sleep in my room on the floor but not in my bed. I would never sleep in the same bed as a slimy frog!" "But your bed is what you promised. I've spent my whole life sleeping in the cold pond mud. Just once I want to feel warm and cozy while I sleep." She insists he must stay on the floor, crawls onto her bed and begins to read.
A moment later the frog jumps onto the bed. Repulsed by this she grabs him and violently throws him through the air screaming, "NO!!!!" The instant the frog splats into the wall he transforms into a prince. Her prince. The one she goes on to marry and rule with.
So how does this tale relate to therapy and learning to say no?
All of us make deals with something inside in order to maintain parts of ourselves that we love. These are adaptions we make early in life to our environment. These adaptions are so that we can survive and keep parts of ourselves that we hold dear. In time, what was once adaptive becomes maladaptive. Our parents, whether they be the parents themselves or our internalized authority figures, encourage us to keep these maladaptive deals. This can come at great detriment to our adult lives.
So what we must find is our ability to say, "look, I might have made this deal with myself when I was young but I am repulsed by it now and I refuse to keep going this way." This is not a simple switch to flip. It is hard earned and requires a willingness to go against internalized pressures that hold immense power in our psyches. That is what therapy can make clear. The thing we need to reject in order to live our adult lives with integrity.
It's not easy to say no and the hardest "no" must always come from our chest. It takes time and energy to be able to do so. And it needs to be screamed. Good therapy can go a long way in learning to say no to the old way and yes to the new.
#TherapyKC